The family way (From Halesowen News)

The family way

7:00am Saturday 6th February 2010

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Parents who row constantly and are in an unhappy relationship will sometimes stick together for the sake of the kids.

However, new research suggests that parents who stay together to avoid upsetting their children may not always be doing the right thing.

A study of nearly 7,000 10 to 15-year-old children by the Children's Society found that the difference between a young person's family getting along - or not - explains 20% of the variation in overall happiness with life.

Differences in family structure, such as parents living apart, only accounted for 2% of the variation in happiness.

Penny Nicholls, the Children's Society's director of Children and Young People, says that in the society's Good Childhood Inquiry report last year, it was clear that one of the most important things for children was the relationship with their families.

"So it comes as no surprise that the biggest single impact on children's well-being is conflict in families," she says.

"What may take others by surprise is that different family forms had a very limited impact on overall well-being."

She says the society has found that often children are well cared for and able to thrive, almost regardless of what form their family takes.

"It's not necessarily the most important factor. The most important factor is the quality of the relationships," she says.

"This sends out a very strong message to parents that it's not just about the quality of the relationship between the child and the parent, but also between the parents themselves, and how that impacts on children in the way they feel about themselves and their overall well-being."

She says the perceived notion that a happy family is one where both parents live together is rooted in a historical view of the family.

"The family has changed almost out of sight over the last 50 years, and there's been an acceptance of different family forms, but what people hold in their heads is that an ideal situation is where families always stay together."

A significant upheaval in a child's life, whether that be a separation or a new member coming into the family, does have an impact on a child's well-being, but they recover quickly.

And a key factor in that recovery is the quality of their parents' relationship.

"This is all saying very clearly that it's the adults who have the responsibility for their child's well-being," says Nicholls.

"It's behest on parents to ensure they keep any conflict to a minimum, and behave nicely to each other."

If that can't be done, and if mediation doesn't work, then separation could be the way forward, she says.

Suzie Hayman, of the parenting helpline Parentline Plus, says the survey results confirm what parents who contact the organisation say.

"We hear from parents that family conflict hurts," she says.

"This survey is additional confirmation that the shape of your family - married or unmarried couples, single parents, separated couples co-parenting - is far less important than how parents get on with each other, respect and cooperate with each other."

Hayman says that of course children would always prefer their parents stayed together, but says: "If this results in bitter conflict, it's far more damaging than parenting together while no longer co-habiting."

The survey also found that a child's appearance and confidence significantly affected their happiness, with 17.5% saying they were unhappy with how they looked, and 16% saying they were unhappy with their confidence.

Almost twice as many girls (21%) were unhappy with their appearance as boys (12%).

And Hayman points out that family conflict may also be at the root of children's worries about appearance.

"When children feel full of confidence and self-esteem, physical appearance is less important.

"Children with parents who support them and manage arguments and stress positively can also manage other issues."

She says parents need to give their children unconditional love, and do things like spending time with them over meals and talking about trivial matters.

"This means that when they have worries and need to talk about important things, they'll come to you more readily.

"When parents make time to be with their children, when children are respected and listened to, they worry less about appearance because they have the confidence that they're loved and loveable."

Ask the expert Q: "Is it true that raising kids might help to lower my blood pressure, rather than raise it? Why is this? It can be so stressful sometimes."

A: Professor Julianne Holt-Lunstad recently co-authored a study at Brigham Young University in the US, which found that parenthood is associated with lower blood pressure.

She says: "As a mother of two rambunctious boys, I've asked myself how this is possible many times myself.

"We tested whether this might be true among a group of married couples with and without children. We were also somewhat surprised to find that couples with children actually had significantly lower blood pressure than those without, with the difference being largest among women.

"While it may be a bit hard to believe, because certainly raising kids can have challenges, there are a number of factors (biological, lifestyle, psychological, social, and cultural) linked to parental status that may either directly or indirectly influence blood pressure by buffering the influence of stress.

"For instance, oxytocin - a hormone closely linked to pregnancy and lactation - is linked to blunted stress response in both animals and humans. Parents may also live healthier lifestyles, and be less likely to engage in risky behaviours.

"Research also shows that parents have larger and more diverse social networks, and there is a well-documented link between social support and better health.

"Having children is a meaningful role for parents, and deriving a sense of meaning and purpose is linked to better coping with stress. On the other hand, those without kids may experience external social pressures (the well-meaning question 'when are you going to have kids?').

"Likewise, there may be considerable stress among couples who aren't parents but desire to be.

"Needless to say, we have preliminary evidence that having kids doesn't appear to have a detrimental influence physiologically, and may even be protective. However, more research will be needed to better understand the extent and cause of this effect."

Website of the week: www.dads-space.com Packed with advice for dads, Dads Space features articles including looking after yourself, a dads' to-do list, news and fun stuff, as well as surveys, competitions, information on child health and development, a section for new dads and a help area.

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